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The Laughter Cemetery

Just to make you aware there is an email going round saying that giving up ham products cures Covid-19. If you get it it, ignore it as it's just spam.
 
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?

Ian...
 
Did you know the actor Yul Brynner was a lifelong fan of Liverpool FC and never wore aftershave?

Yul never wore cologne
 
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a cheese sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

“What do you do?” asks the bartender, amazed.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the bartender.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"

"Yeah!" the bartender replies.

"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.

"Of course," the bartender replies.

"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer??"
 
Best mate just told me he failed his aboriginal music exam a few months ago.

I asked him, "did you re-do it?"
 
Just been asked by a group of teenagers outside the Co-op if I would get them 20 Richmonds.

Reluctantly I agreed and got them a packet. I handed them over and you should have heard the abuse I got!

So I told them, next time get your own fucking sausages.
 
Just heard on the news that they've quarantined everyone at John Lennon airport.

Imagine, all the people...
 
Bumped into an old friend at the shops earlier, who was also trying to find a globe. It’s a small world.
 
We all know who Karl Marx was.

No one remembers his sister Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
 
Couple of things

If you don't pay your exorcist,do you get repossessed?
And is somewhere over the rainbow,the best place to weigh a pie?
 
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said "So, why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night,
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab enquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts; I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No. Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
 
A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type O".
 
I've just invented a human cloning machine.

I'm so happy!

I'm literally beside myself...
 
I've got this idea for a business, recycling old chewing gum. I just need some help getting it off the ground.
 
A man walks into a dentist and said "I think I'm a moth" The dentist replied "you need a psychiatrist, what have you come in here for I'm a dentist?" The man replied "your light was on"
 
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