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The Mental Health thread

Visiting with my family and being the only one who’s never been able to bring an S.O. to a trip like that.

Seventh wheel in my own family. You never feel lonelier than when you’re surrounded by folks who you know you should feel loved by.

This feels like such a spurious and selfish thing to let affect me so. Even talking about it here makes me feel stupid. Just tired. Extremely tired.
 
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It’s why I never bother with my family. They don’t miss me, I don’t miss them.
 
Problem is my family do love me. I know they do. I just can’t feel it.

I’m so blessed to have the family I have and I feel so ungrateful to them by not feeling more certain of it all the time.
 
A glaring difference then there sorry mate.
 
No apology needed, mate. Just venting (or trying to) before it bottles up and I lash out at someone.
 
forgive the devils advocate response @Alan , but does the perspective that you do not having an SO devalue you that much to your family? They love you for who you are, not because you have a SO. If you get an SO, they will not love you any more than they do now.

You are not a lesser person as a result of not having a SO.

Your family may wish you had an SO, because they desire for you to be happy, and loved at times when they are not there with you.

I wonder if part of this is your anxiety is making you compare/contrast yourself with your family members, and your anxiety is making you feel less valued, or you perceive you don't measure up to them because they have SO, and you don't. This isn't true, and all your family will have had times when they didn't have an SO. You didn't love them any less at those times.

The above is said with love, and if it helps, pop the forum on a screen at the table and tell them there's loads of eejits a coupla thousand miles away who are your SO's at the moment, who love you!
 
Looking for advice on how people cope with being alone in social situations.

Despite having in more confidence in my self-worth lately, I still find myself mostly paralyzed by the thought of going out to things as just “me” (IE, not having another person around who I can anchor myself to). As you may imagine, this has made making new friends and forming relationships pretty fucking hard.

Anyone got some tips that go beyond “just believe in yourself”?

I’m finally trying to put in the effort to be a whole person, but I can’t very well do that if I’m too scared to leave my apartment.
 
Looking for advice on how people cope with being alone in social situations.

Despite having in more confidence in my self-worth lately, I still find myself mostly paralyzed by the thought of going out to things as just “me” (IE, not having another person around who I can anchor myself to). As you may imagine, this has made making new friends and forming relationships pretty fucking hard.

Anyone got some tips that go beyond “just believe in yourself”?

I’m finally trying to put in the effort to be a whole person, but I can’t very well do that if I’m too scared to leave my apartment.
Have you ever used Meetup.com - won’t in itself sort out your lack of confidence but it will mean that the social situations you find yourself in will likely have more like-minded people and shared interests.
 
Looking for advice on how people cope with being alone in social situations.

Despite having in more confidence in my self-worth lately, I still find myself mostly paralyzed by the thought of going out to things as just “me” (IE, not having another person around who I can anchor myself to). As you may imagine, this has made making new friends and forming relationships pretty fucking hard.

Anyone got some tips that go beyond “just believe in yourself”?

I’m finally trying to put in the effort to be a whole person, but I can’t very well do that if I’m too scared to leave my apartment.
Initially try to find social situations that you have an interest i.e. football groups or maybe computer games groups or whatever interests you, hopefully this would give you more confidence to move onto other social situations.
I was the same as you 25-30 years ago, always a shy person and bit lacking in self confidence/worth.
As I was a fanatical 'biker' (still am) I joined my local motorcycle club, went to their social functions and basically threw myself in at the deep end, offering to help in organising events etc.
Worked for me, no idea if it will for you but worth considering?
 
Have you ever used Meetup.com - won’t in itself sort out your lack of confidence but it will mean that the social situations you find yourself in will likely have more like-minded people and shared interests.
That’s a useful shout, cheers mate.

Somehow I don’t even think about things like that until suggested. Part of the issue itself, methinks! 😅
 
Looking for advice on how people cope with being alone in social situations.

Despite having in more confidence in my self-worth lately, I still find myself mostly paralyzed by the thought of going out to things as just “me” (IE, not having another person around who I can anchor myself to). As you may imagine, this has made making new friends and forming relationships pretty fucking hard.

Anyone got some tips that go beyond “just believe in yourself”?

I’m finally trying to put in the effort to be a whole person, but I can’t very well do that if I’m too scared to leave my apartment.
Firstly, don't beat yourself up over it (easier said than done!)

Maybe set yourself goals, say to yourself that you only have to be somewhere for 20 minutes or so before you give yourself permission to leave. And then try building up from there.

Another thing you might want to try is an organised friendship group thingy. A friend of a friend used to go as all her friends kinda grew up and had kids so she was a bit left out, it worked really well for her and she made a bunch of new friends. She called it CS but no idea what actual name was, and there are probably tons about. The continuity worked really well as she met the same people and was able to form friendships, and then friends of the friends etc.

With all this stuff YMMV
 
We appreciate you being around, Al and you're obviously comfortable here. Obviously, it's online but many of the same things apply when you're face to face with some one; be your interested, engaging self; ask questions - they don't have to be particularly deep but people LOVE to talk about themselves and that then often raises other questions or throws up similar interests/opinions. Above all, be kind to yourself.
 
Looking for advice on how people cope with being alone in social situations.

Despite having in more confidence in my self-worth lately, I still find myself mostly paralyzed by the thought of going out to things as just “me” (IE, not having another person around who I can anchor myself to). As you may imagine, this has made making new friends and forming relationships pretty fucking hard.

Anyone got some tips that go beyond “just believe in yourself”?

I’m finally trying to put in the effort to be a whole person, but I can’t very well do that if I’m too scared to leave my apartment.

Just a few thoughts reflecting on the experience of relocating and effectively building a new social and recreational life from scratch, which hopefully might make some sort of sense and be of use.

Firstly, don’t have too high expectations to begin with. You can’t suddenly join existing groups and expect to be everybody’s new best friend. Friendships are built over time so you have to ease yourself in gently. It’s perfectly normal to feel a bit awkward at the beginning and nothing to be afraid of - confident people may make it look easy, but you’d be surprised how many of them are in reality just very good at masking.

Sycophanthia’s example around the motorcycle group is really excellent advice. Having a genuine interest in something means the subject is the main focus, you have a strong starting point and the idiosyncrasies of the individual are much less important and more easily accepted. Naturally you gravitate to certain individuals you connect with and slowly you move forward.

In my experience after 18 months, that has simply led to just ‘knowing people’ - some you just ride with, some you go to the pub with, some that you’d help out and some who would help you, but of course some you’d want to just keep away from - don’t be concerned about that last group and turn it on yourself, it say a lot more about them than it does you.

One last thing, it has undoubtedly be easier being older. Life experiences knock edges off people and the desire to ‘present’ as doing well lessens. Everyone themselves or within their families has at at some stage had anxieties, relationship breakdowns, financial strains, sleepless nights, redundancies, children that have disappointed, health issues etc etc and it’s quite a leveller when you’re the other side and accepting of that.

So I suppose that’s saying recognise it isn’t easy, try and not set yourself up to fail and don’t think any issues or challenges are always your fault. One step at a time Al and you’ll be ok 👍
 
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Y'all are much too kind. I appreciate everything that's been said very, very much.
 
there are some good tips here.

It's quite easy to be blasé in saying this, but we can put too much focus on what others think about us. Montaignes message that everyone, even kings have to sit down to shit, and then have to wipe their arses after is a great leveller imo!

Before going into the situation, as you walk there/approach, have a mantra in your mind about "this is going to go really well. I will like them, and they will like me". It sounds bizarre, but it puts you in a mindset where it enables you to smile, and be open and accepting of others, and nurtures a similar response back.

Fully anticipating you popping back here in a short while telling us you smashed it!
 
20000 per month is a LOT of people;
https://www.theguardian.com/society...sharp-rise-in-benefit-claims-in-uk-data-shows

Of all the assessments made in the last two years, 69% involved “mental and behavioural disorders”. Back and joint problems were cited in 48% of claims, while nervous diseases such as chronic pain and metabolic problems such as diabetes and obesity were each cited in 15%.

Heart disease and other circulatory problems and digestive illnesses were cited in more than 20% of cases. Cancers and some terminal illnesses are thought to be underrepresented in the data, which does not yet cover all claims.

Claimants have 2.7 health conditions on average, prompting experts to warn that there is no quick fix for a benefits bill that is surging as a result of increasingly complex illnesses.
 
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