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Thread: The Laughter Cemetery

  1. #1
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    Langers is online now Dr Admin and PTG Champion x 2 (2011/12, 2012/13)
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    The Laughter Cemetery

    Please for the sanity of everyone on this forum, stick your jokes here Frank.
    "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln

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    I'll get you started:

    What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

    A carrot

    Whats green and runs around your garden?

    A hedge

    whats pink and wrinkled and hangs out your underpants ?

    Your mum

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    Quote Originally Posted by Penk Wolf View Post
    I'll get you started:

    What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

    A carrot

    Whats green and runs around your garden?

    A hedge

    whats pink and wrinkled and hangs out your underpants ?

    Your mum
    Fail!

    Far too funny...
    Everything is a choice. Bad choices make good stories. Design your own disaster. Create your life.

  4. #4
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    Frank, save us all and use this place instead. Its just for you xx

    http://frankcracksafunny.forumotion.co.uk/

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    Why wasn't Jesus born in Wolverhampton?

    They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
    The rain falls hard on a humdrum town.

    http://oscillatingwildly.net
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    Two fellows are out fishing on the lake. A hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of the fellows stands up and holds his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passes. His buddy comments, "Gee Harry, that was really nice and respectful." Harry replys, "It's the least I can do. Well after all, we were married for 40 years."

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    A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...
    ================================================== ==

    Why don't aliens eat clowns.
    Because they taste funny.
    ================================================== ==

    What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A fsh
    ===============================

    Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
    ==============================================

    Two peanuts walk into a bar.
    One was a salted.
    ================================================

    Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
    "Man it's hot in here!!!!"
    The other muffin exclaims,
    "Look a talking muffin!!!!"

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    James's Avatar
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    since this is the franks joke thread.....

    "Give it to me!" she said, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

    I didn't give her back the umbrella though.



    Thieves are stealing telescopes off Blackpool front during the night and replacing them with kaleidoscopes.

    Police say there may be a pattern developing.

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    Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
    He was trying to make both ends meet!

    What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
    A collie-flower!

    Why do dogs wag their tails?
    "Because no one else will do it for them!"

    Why didn't the dog speak to his foot?
    Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!

  10. #10
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    Del Woppio is offline PTG Champion 2016/17, 3rd Place 2012/13, TWF FIFA 12 Champions' League Winner
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    Why was '6' scared of '7'? Because 7 8 9

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    Love it Del. Keep them coming.

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    Such a great joke killed by adding in an extra 7.

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    The Curry Charts

    35. Poppadum Preach - Madonna
    34. Korma Chameleon - Culture Club
    33. Bhaji Trousers - Madness
    32. King Prawn Massala Drinks Are Free - Wham
    31. Dansak Queen - Abba
    30. Korma People - Pulp
    29. Tikka Chance On Me - Abba
    28. When I Phall in Love - Nat King Cole
    27. You Can't Curry Love - Diana Ross and the Supremes
    26. Korma Police - Radiohead
    25. Things Can Only Get Bhuna - D:Ream
    24. Tears On My Pilau - Kylie Minogue
    23. It's Bhuna Hard Days Night - The Beatles
    22. Brothers in Naans - Dire Straits
    21. Girlfriend in a Korma - The Smiths
    20. Pilau Talk - Doris Day
    19. It's My Chapati and I Cry If I Want To - Dave Stewart/Barbara Gaskin
    18. I'm a Bhaji Girl - Aqua
    17. Sag Aloo - Black lace
    16. Take That and Chapati - Take That
    15. Bhuna Round The World and I Can't Find My Bhaji - Lisa Stansfield
    14. I Don't Want To Dansak - Eddie Grant
    13. Dansak on the Ceiling - Lionel Richie
    12. We Are Jalfrezi - Sister Sledge
    11. Vindaloo - Abba
    10. I Don't Want to Go to Chutney - Elvis Costello
    9. Rice Rice Baby - Vanilla Rice
    8. Jalfrezi Jalfrezi Nights - Kiss
    7. Tandoori Deliver - Adam and the Ants
    6. Love me Tandoor - Elvis Presley
    5. We Don't Have to Tikka Clothes Off - Jermaine Jackson
    4. Bye Bye Balti - Bay City Rollers
    3. Bhuna to be Wild - Steppenwolf
    2. Livin' Dhal - Cliff Richard
    1. Raita Here, Raita Now - Fatboy Slim

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    . King Prawn Massala Drinks Are Free - Wham
    A lie is half way round the world before the truth has got it's trouser on.

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    So, the blonde says to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
    He says, "How flexible are you?"
    She replies, "I can't make Tuesdays"
    A lie is half way round the world before the truth has got it's trouser on.

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    If you're an American when you go into the bathroom, and an American when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom? Eur - o - pean.

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    The sad part is that Frank does actually think they are funny!

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    Stolen from Frank......

    One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class...

    Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?
    Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon...
    Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and
    calm like the moon?
    Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...

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    There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

    The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

    *

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs Tisi View Post
    The sad part is that Frank does actually think they are funny!
    He's like my Uncle Alan then.... When I start hearing him I leave the room.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Quirkafleeg View Post
    He's like my Uncle Alan then.... When I start hearing him I leave the room.
    I admit that the odd one is not too funny, but most are superb...

    Roger was on a train, mumbling to himself, smiling, and then raising his hand. After a moment of silence, he would go through the same process ... mumble, smile, raise hand, silence.

    Maggie watched this closely, and after about an hour, she said, in a concerned voice, 'Excuse me. Is anything the matter?'

    'Oh, no,' Roger answered. 'It's just that these long trips get very tedious so I tell myself jokes.'

    'Why then, inquired Maggie, 'do you keep raising your hand?'

    'Well,' smiled Roger, 'that's to interrupt myself because I've heard that joke before.

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    A joke is also about the delivery. If I heard a few from you face to face the joke would obviously take a different route.

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    It's 1982 in Moscow.

    Ivan has saved enough to buy a new car.

    He goes to the Lada dealership.

    "Comrade, I wish to buy a new car"

    The salesman says "Come back, 5 years to the day, and your car will be ready"

    "Morning or afternoon?" says Ivan.

    "Does it matter?" says the salesman.

    Ivan replies "Well I've got the plumber coming in the morning..."

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    A topical rib tickler...

    Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

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    A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "she were thine" engraved on it.
    He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
    When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved, "she were thin". He explodes - "Bloody 'ell man, you've left the "e" out, you've left the "e" out!"
    The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
    The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud -
    "E, she were thin".

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    What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head?
    Mandy Lifeboats!
    ========================================
    What do sheep do on sunny days?
    Have a baa - baa - cue!
    ========================================
    Three blonds were walking around when they came upon a set of tracks. The first blonde said, “These are deer tracks.”
    The second blonde said, “No, these are obviously elk tracks.”
    The third blonde chimed in and argued, “You’re both wrong! These are tracks of a moose!”
    The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

  27. #27
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    Are they really joked and if so can you get Mrs Tisi to burn the '1001 jokes' book?

  28. #28
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    What kind of dog does Dracula have?

    A bloodhound!

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    Bloke goes to the doctors completely naked and wrapped in clingfilm.

    The doctor says "Well I can clearly see you're nuts".
    Oh my god! Whitney's dead? How's Michael Jackson taking it?

  30. #30
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    Suspended Terry can lift trophy, say Uefa.

    Not sure why Bayern Munich would want him joining in their celebration.

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