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Thread: The Laughter Cemetery

  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Bear View Post
    Bloke goes to the doctors completely naked and wrapped in clingfilm.

    The doctor says "Well I can clearly see you're nuts".
    Have I got News for You?

  2. #32
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    Thanks guys... here I am, trying to study for my AS levels and this thread's gone and made me stupid!

    Thanks guys! >_>
    “Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.”

  3. #33
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    Del Woppio is offline PTG Champion 2016/17, 3rd Place 2012/13, TWF FIFA 12 Champions' League Winner
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    What do you do if you see a space man?

    Park in it, man.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kenny View Post
    Have I got News for You?
    ?
    Oh my god! Whitney's dead? How's Michael Jackson taking it?

  5. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Bear View Post
    ?
    The joke was used on HIGNFY last week

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    Ah I see. No just a coincidence.
    Oh my god! Whitney's dead? How's Michael Jackson taking it?

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    Did you hear about the man who had his whole left side cut off?

    He's all right now.

  8. #38
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    Katie Price is like a toilet at the Glastonbury Festival.

    Full of shit and constantly engaged.

  9. #39
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    Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

    They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

    The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

    The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

  10. #40
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    Lukas Podolski "I'm moving to Arsenal to win trophies".

    And they say the Germans haven't got a sense of humour.

  11. #41
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    It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

    The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

    St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

    He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

    St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

    "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

    "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

  12. #42
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    A young lady was driving through a built-up area at about 70 mph when she noticed a motorcycle policeman on her tail. She increased her speed to 80 mph but the cop hung grimly on her tail. She put her foot down and pushed the car up to 90, drawing rapidly away from her pursuer. Suddenly she saw a garage up ahead and with a squeal of brakes she pulled up in the forecourt and dashed into the ladies' toilet. Five minutes later she emerged to find the motor-cycle policeman waiting for her. With a sweet smile she said, 'I bet you thought I'd never make it in time.'

  13. #43
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    Please stop xx

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    Quote Originally Posted by Quirkafleeg View Post
    Please stop xx
    I am allowed to post my rib ticklers on here. They gave me my own thread.....Jolly decent of them!!

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    Maybe you mate Waggy over on the Wolf is correct on some parts of his post..

  16. #46
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    I'm glad you have your own thread frank. Jokes that i can use in the work place and not get told they are too dirty for work

  17. #47
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    Fwanks jokes are bostin ;-)

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Guard Dog View Post
    I'm glad you have your own thread frank. Jokes that i can use in the work place and not get told they are too dirty for work
    Feel free to use them, and you are OK because I do not tell naughty jokes. All clean and funny.
    ================================================== ===========

    An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
    The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby".
    By Nicki

  19. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by FrankMunro-371 View Post
    Feel free to use them, and you are OK because I do not tell naughty jokes. All clean and funny.
    ================================================== ===========
    They are and do get a few chuckles out of people at work so you do a lot of good where i work

  20. #50
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    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

    "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
    The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
    The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
    "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

  21. #51
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    Like that one Frank.

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    Quote Originally Posted by FrankMunro-371 View Post
    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

    "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
    The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
    The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
    "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

  23. #53
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    I say that one gets to go in the main joke thread...

  24. #54
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    You all like my jokes.......I am truly humbled...


    ================================================== ================================================== ===========
    A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

    The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

    So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

    The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

    They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

    They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

    On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

    There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

  25. #55
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    A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

  26. #56
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    There are a few rib ticklers on here since you got your own thread love it frank.

  27. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Guard Dog View Post
    There are a few rib ticklers on here since you got your own thread love it frank.
    Thank you Sir, and there may be one or two more on the way.

  28. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by FrankMunro-371 View Post
    Thank you Sir, and there may be one or two more on the way.
    keep them coming....

  29. #59
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    Quote Originally Posted by FrankMunro-371 View Post
    You all like my jokes.......I am truly humbled...


    ================================================== ================================================== ===========
    A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

    The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

    So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

    The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

    They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

    They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

    On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

    There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
    This one was quite funny when I heard it 20 years ago...

  30. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by Penk Wolf View Post
    This one was quite funny when I heard it 20 years ago...
    Correct. It's also been on here...
    Everything is a choice. Bad choices make good stories. Design your own disaster. Create your life.

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