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Thread: The Laughter Cemetery

  1. #61
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    Hodgson was asked about the use of social media in the game nowadays: "Have you ever tweeted Roy?". "Yes" he replied, "I tweeted my wife to a lovely meal last night".
    ================================================== ================================================== ==============

    With thanks to Langdale..

  2. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by FrankMunro-371 View Post
    Hodgson was asked about the use of social media in the game nowadays: "Have you ever tweeted Roy?". "Yes" he replied, "I tweeted my wife to a lovely meal last night".
    ================================================== ================================================== ==============

    With thanks to Langdale..
    With thanks to The Bear.
    "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln

  3. #63
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    WTF
    Oh my god! Whitney's dead? How's Michael Jackson taking it?

  4. #64
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    Facebook - the plagiarist's dream.
    "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln

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    The Forums answer to Tommy Cooper

    Frank you were more credible as the Forums IT expert than The Forums answer to Tommy Cooper.

    A better signature may be the Prediction Leagues answer to Terry Connor.

  6. #66
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    I can't believe my best mate, Gav, died of heartburn.


    Gav is gone.

  7. #67
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    FFS...
    "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln

  8. #68
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    The Hunt for Bin Laden, ITV 9:00 - 11:00, oh such sweet ironic scheduling.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    When James Bond is out of his home country of England, is he known as +44 07?

  9. #69
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    A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
    The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
    He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
    They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

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    I sold my car in the local newspaper today.

    It took the bloke who bought it three hours to unwrap it.

  11. #71
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    This seems apropriate for this thread.

    Dog walks into a bar.

    Bartender point's to a sign and says "No dogs allowed".

    The Dog says "im special though".

    Bartender says "what makes you so special then?"

  12. #72
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    That was terrible when Frank posted it.

  13. #73
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    Quote Originally Posted by Penk Wolf View Post
    I sold my car in the local newspaper today.

    It took the bloke who bought it three hours to unwrap it.
    Superb. I have finally converted you.

  14. #74
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    Quote Originally Posted by Penk Wolf View Post
    That was terrible when Frank posted it.
    Woops..... Thought u was being orignal and it's why i said it was meant here.

    heres one on the house.


    When I die, I'd like the word 'Humble' to be written

    on my statue.

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    Monkey and an Hyena, best of mates were walking through the jungle when the Hyena was attacked by a vicious Lion. The Monkey escaped up a nearby tree and watched his friend the Hyena being mauled and ripped to bits.

    Once the fight was over the Hyena was only just alive and turned to the Monkey and said. "Why didn't you come and help me?" And the Monkey replied, "The way you were laughing I thought you were winning so I didn't bother."

  16. #76
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    Just made my 2 hour trip bearable. Thanks

  17. #77
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bandyrastard View Post
    Just made my 2 hour trip unbearable. Thanks
    Fixed.
    Oh my god! Whitney's dead? How's Michael Jackson taking it?

  18. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bandyrastard View Post
    Just made my 2 hour trip bearable. Thanks
    I aim to please.....


    A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
    When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
    'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
    'Actually, no,' he replies.
    'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
    'I'm afraid I can't,' breathes the barman, clearly aroused. 'Is there anything I can do?'
    ‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,' she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. 'Tell him,' she says, 'that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' toilet.'

  19. #79
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    "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln

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    Quote Originally Posted by FrankMunro-371 View Post
    I aim to please.....


    A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
    When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
    'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
    'Actually, no,' he replies.
    'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
    'I'm afraid I can't,' breathes the barman, clearly aroused. 'Is there anything I can do?'
    ‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,' she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. 'Tell him,' she says, 'that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' toilet.'
    Fuck me Frank.
    We give you your own thread to post your shite jokes in and you start posting these in the wrong one!
    Everything is a choice. Bad choices make good stories. Design your own disaster. Create your life.

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    I guess that this is where the jokes are posted.

    A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

    The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

    Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

    He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

  22. #82
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    This is where the shit jokes go, Bane. That was quite decent, so try HERE
    "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln

  23. #83
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    Quote Originally Posted by Langdale Wolf View Post


    This is where the shit jokes go, Bane. That was quite decent, so try HERE
    Bane, kindly ignore this imposter. This is the only place for quality jokes. I will give you an example of the quality of joke you will read on here.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Once in days of old when knights were bold and rode around the country saving damsels in distress there was a little man. Now I mean little not just small but really really little. He may have been the smallest fully grown man alive. Anyway you see what I mean he was tiny.

    Despite being both vertically and horizontally disadvantaged (if you say it that way he won't feel bad about being diminutively sure--)

    This little guy was out in the country one day and heard a cry for help. Quickly he ran to see what he could do. Again he heard the cry it sounded like a young woman yelling for help, and she must be just on the other side of the bushes just in front of him. Without a thought for his own safety the little fellow thrust the bushes aside and ran toward the sound of her cry.

    He felt himself falling and the next thing he knew he was all wet. Literally in over his head so to speak. This was one time when size didn't matter really. He pushed his way to surface and looked around. It was quite easy to see what had happened. The bushes were on the edge of an embankment that surrounded a large lake. Fortunately for him (and the the screaming woman) he was an excellent swimmer.

    An a ear drum shattering scream actually boarding on a high pitched bellow brought him back to the situation at hand. Not ten feet away was a very wet young lady one arm extended hand grabbing the air as she the sound she was making turned into a gurgles. This was do to the large amount of water that rushed into her mouth as her head sank below the surface of the lake.

    Now I've already told you that our small friend was an excellent swimmer os it was nothing for him to swimmer to the spot where she had disappeared and grab her hand which was still above the water and swim the few feet to shore.

    Once out on the edge of the lake the job became a little more difficult as the more of this full sized young woman he managed to get out of the water the harder it became to move someone so much bigger than himself. Being the kind of guy he was though he gave it his all and managed to get out of the water far enough to allow him to turn her head to the side, and by applying his feet to The middle of her back he got her to start breathing again.

    Soon she was able to bring herself clear out of the water. Pulling her hair back out of her face she was amazed to see her benefactor was this little fellow standing before her.

    His lack of stature did nothing to diminish her gratitude. She insisted that he must come home with her and receive his just reward from her father. Her father was no less a personage of course than the local king.

    On the way back to the castle a large troupe of horsemen found them walking along the road. They were quite naturally the king's men sent out to search for his daughter. The king (clever fellow) had known something was wrong when her horse had returned without her.

    That evening the king held a banquet to honor our intrepid hero. At the banquet in front of the entire court the little fellow was declared an official hero of the realm by royal proclamation. As befits a hero of the realm the king granted him anything his heart desired. All he had to do was say it and the king promised he would devote all the resources of the realm to granting him his wish.

    One all consuming ambition had always been his most ardent desire. This one thing was all in the world he wanted. So quite naturally upon hearing the king's speech he eagerly said "I want to be a knight. The silence was as instant as was total. What would the king do?

    Everyone in the room knew the impossibility of such a request. The physical aspects of the profession of knighthood alone precluded our hero from the job. The king was between his speech and a hard place. The entire court and through them the entire land had or soon would, hear how the king had said: "This courageous man contained with in him courage so great as to be legendary". The king had said all that and more. After all kings are politicians too.

    As any good public servant will tell you there is a time to fulfill a promise and another time. Clearly this was another time, or was it? We have already established that this king was a clever fellow. What he did next proves it. Remembering his "Master At Arms" William Fite. He called for him and said I want you to train this man for knighthood keep me advised of his progress. The master at arms replied yes my lord. As he led our hero away to the training hall the king said to the princess see I told we could work it out. Then he uttered that now famous phrase: "where there's Will there's a way.

    Will was to have a few problems of his own however. Just to begin with where was he to find armor and weapons for a diminutive knight in training? Well he thought, perhaps this little fellow won't be able to learn the required skills. As the days passed however he discovered that our small hero gave one hundred and ten percent in his efforts to learn the skills of knighthood.

    The little fellow had aced the chivalry exams and likewise the protocol test. and it was time for weapons training. Will went to the king an said: "Sire: (They talked that way, the king wasn't really his dad.) We have no weapons of a size suitable for this man." So the King ordered the royal blacksmith to make weapons and amour for the small knight with a big heart. Our hero threw himself into the arms training with if possible even more effort and enthusiasm. So much did he practice that in record time he had completed his training.

    The king (who had followed the little knights progress) knew that even though this little man was small he had even won sword duels by virtue of his speed and daring. There still remained one problem. He could not joust or even go about the countryside without a trusty steed. A great search though out the kingdom found that there was not one single horse small enough for the job.

    Kings have a way about them though. So the king assumed all of his kinglyness and said to the royal groom: " find him a mount, or I shall find a new royal groom, for I insist that all my servants have heads. If you get my meaning." The royal groom did indeed understand exactly what the king meant. Quite naturally he put a great deal of thought and effort into solving the problem. The solution the groom provided was unique. No horse or animal even close to a horse could be found in all the realm for the smallest knight.

    So the groom trained an animal large enough to carry the the little champion dressed in his battle armor. As fate would have it the animal turned out to be a large dog. Now this large dog was also extremely ugly. But he could carry the little knight, and was very intelligent and quickly learned all the tactics of the war horse. In addition he liked the little knight and a bond formed between them. So not only did our miniature hero have a mount but a loyal companion as well.

    Naturally everyone was pleased especially Will Fite the Master at Arms, and his friend the groom. . They now felt Their heads were quite a bit more secure. There was a great celebration, at the very height of which our hero slipped away to begin his quest. His quest was of course to become the greatest knight in the realm. Saving fair maidens, keeping the peace and all that.

    It went well for our little friend as he went about the country side doing knightly good deeds. In fact his reputation grew and grew. Some say it was even bigger than he was. (That wouldn't have to be very big.) Spring was over, summer passed, and autumn was mostly gone. The other knights had headed back to the kings castle for the winter. Even the dragons were hibernating. (They don't like the cold you know.) Our fellow was still at it though, doing the things that no one else wanted to do. They needed done you see. He was just that kind of a guy. At long last after seeing to it that a peasant's daughter got the pigs promised her for her dowry even our hero knew it was time to call it a season.

    In order to get to the kings palace he had to cross a high mountain pass. It was late autumn and if you have lived even near the mountains you know what that means. It means the possibility of snow is more than a possibility.
    Out little knight true to form was right in the thick of it. The snow I mean. All across the high mountains the travelers and peasants were seeking shelter. In every Inn and house someone would as he or she fought to close the door against the wind and snow be heard mumbling, grumbling or rumbling: "Never saw it snow like this so early" or "Worst blizzard since 98" or something like that. In the midst of it all rode our little knight. He and his trusty steed were a site the like of which had never been seen before. Nor has any site even remotely resembling them ever been seen since. I can tell you that without fear of being wrong.

    Our hero pressed on because he had to. To stop would be to die. No one would even know where to look they would freeze solid. It was beginning to look s though that would be the fate of this small doer of good deeds and his trusty steed. when through the swirling snow he saw a faint glimmer of light. Turning in that direction he urged his trusty steed on. With what was their last reserve they reached the source of that light. Our hero stumbled through the door of the Inn. The inn keeper told him there was no more room. "Please!" said the littlest knight. "We shall perish in this storm." "Look" said the inn keeper, no room means no room I couldn't fit another person in here." "I will stay in the stable" said the knight. "You think all these people walked bub, the stables full too." said the inn keeper. Sadly the little knight went out and climbed on his steed. He was so sad that he forgot to shut the door. The Inn Keeper went to shut the door just as our hero swung into the saddle. He looked and looked again. He then called out:

    WAIT!...Wait! I will find you some place to stay.

    "I just can't turn a Knight Out on a Dog like that."

  24. #84
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    Frank... I had faith but that joke makes me want to punch a Polar Bear.

    It's too much work just for a Joke. I know a joke can be a story but not a bloody book.

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Guard Dog View Post
    Frank... I had faith but that joke makes me want to punch a Polar Bear.

    It's too much work just for a Joke. I know a joke can be a story but not a bloody book.
    I accept that it was not up to the usual standard, but it was only right that our new member knew what to expect.

  26. #86
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    Quote Originally Posted by FrankMunro-371 View Post
    I accept that it was not up to the usual standard, but it was only right that our new member knew what to expect.
    At least Langers showed them the right place to go

    I still have faith but that is in a whole new standard.

  27. #87
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Guard Dog View Post
    At least Langers showed them the right place to go

    I still have faith but that is in a whole new standard.
    That is why I was banished to this deserted corner of TWF..........................but here is a classic..
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An armless man walked into a bar which was empty except for the bartender.
    He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he
    would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no
    arms. The bartender obliged him.

    He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The
    bartender did this until the man finished his drink.

    He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and
    wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented, "It
    must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do
    nearly everything for you?"

    The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way,
    where is the restroom?"

    The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the petrol
    station three blocks down the street."


    --

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    Frank, I couldn't be bothered to read that. It can't be a joke it's an essay!

    Then I thought if I read it and it's shite, I'll be so resentful I'll have wasted all that time, I'd have to come down to Hinkley and murder you.
    Everything is a choice. Bad choices make good stories. Design your own disaster. Create your life.

  29. #89
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    that's why you have your own thread frank

  30. #90
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    A bloke tries to go to the pub - however, he needs a zimmer frame, and the pub is over a busy road. He slowly but surely makes his way over - catching the landlord's eye as he does so.

    "Are you open?" he asks.
    "Not yet mate, but come on in anyway," is the reply.

    So the man slowly but surely navigates his zimmer frame up the steps and towards the bar. He gingerly sits down and winces.

    "What will it be?" Asks the landlord.
    "A triple vodka please - with a dash of Bells Whisky. And topped up with Creme de Menthe. In a pint glass."

    The landlord looks at the man, shrugs and makes the drink. The man picks it up, downs it, winces in pain and shudders.

    "Same again, please," the man says. "Triple vodka, a dash of Bells Whisky. And topped up with Creme de Menthe. In a pint glass."

    The landlord again looks perplexed, but tops up his glass accordingly.

    The man picks up the glass - and sinks the drink in one long gulp. Again, he winces in pain, shudders and looks at the barman.

    "Bloody hell - I really shouldn't have had that with what I've got."
    "What have you got?" asks the landlord.
    The man replies, "17p"
    "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln

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