leedswolf
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In the annals of diplomatic disasters, June 5, 2025, may go down as the day the West officially lost the plot, or at least its translator. What was supposed to be a somber, strategic meeting between Donald Trump and German Chancellor Friedrich Merz about Ukraine, NATO, and global stability turned instead into a 90-minute ego séance, complete with black-eye anecdotes, ghost pens, toddler war metaphors, and an accidental eulogy for D-Day.
We begin in the Oval Office, sorry, the Sacred Chamber of Universal Destiny, as Trump now appears to call it. “World War I started and ended here,” he claimed, seemingly unaware that the armistice was signed in a train car in France, not between the potted plants and Diet Coke stash. Trump described the room as so magical that even Germans get misty-eyed upon entering. Chancellor Merz’s expression suggested otherwise. It said: “I studied international law for this?”
But we digress. Trump, of course, was late. His entrance was less statesman and more Vegas residency escapee: rambling, gesturing, name-dropping Elon Musk like a scorned ex. And oh, Elon, he of the hat that said “Trump is right about everything.” How dare he now criticize the “One Big Beautiful Bill,” a term that sounds more like a drag queen than fiscal policy.
Elon, Trump sniffed, has “Trump Derangement Syndrome.” And why? Because he dared to oppose the removal of EV subsidies, subsidies Trump gleefully gutted to spite the climate and appease oil donors. Musk, Trump whined, had worn the MAGA hat, said nice things, and even stood behind the Oval Desk with a black eye. (Trump offered him makeup, which, unlike the Constitution, Elon had the good sense to decline.)
Then came the real meat: the Autopen Conspiracy. According to Trump, President Biden wasn’t president at all. No, Biden was “executed in 2020” and replaced with a rogue office supply. The country, he warned, was run by a robot arm. You can’t make this up, unless, of course, you’re Trump, in which case you can make up almost anything and say it in front of a foreign head of state.
Speaking of whom, Chancellor Merz, (whom Trump calls “Friedick Mars,” presumably mistaking him for a Marvel villain), attempted,valiantly, tragically, to discuss D-Day. He invoked it as a reminder of American heroism and European liberation. Trump responded earnestly: “That was not a pleasant day for you.” To recap: Trump commemorated the liberation of Europe from the Nazis by telling a German it must have been a real bummer.
As Merz’s soul visibly detached from his body, Trump pivoted to what he does best: projecting. Ukraine? A playground spat. Putin? Just a misunderstood guy with some “bad blood” issues. Trump’s solution? Let them fight it out like angry toddlers until they’re tired. He claimed he told Putin this verbatim.
And just to add a dash of Orwell to this soup, Trump said he had a “debate with the human mind” and concluded that Biden didn’t have one. If this sounds like the plot to a rejected episode of Black Mirror, you’re not far off.
The press conference ended as it began: in chaos. Trump claimed grocery prices were down 400% (perhaps in Confederate dollars?), bragged about stopping Nord Stream 2 (he didn’t), and declared military enlistment numbers were at an all-time high (they’re not). He also described Ukrainian architecture as “turrets... blown to smithereens” and lamented the loss of cultural heritage as though he were auditioning for Antiques Roadshow: Genocide Edition.
In the end, Chancellor Merz managed a few sentences of actual diplomacy, but the sound of Trump’s delusion largely drowned them out, echoing off the Resolute Desk.
This was a hostage tape for democracy. The President of the United States spent over an hour lying, rambling, hallucinating, and praising himself in front of a key NATO ally while casually undermining the U.S. position on China, Ukraine, and global leadership.
Somewhere, the Autopen weeps, and probably writes a better speech.
follow me at marygeddry.substack.com and @magixarc.bsky.social
We begin in the Oval Office, sorry, the Sacred Chamber of Universal Destiny, as Trump now appears to call it. “World War I started and ended here,” he claimed, seemingly unaware that the armistice was signed in a train car in France, not between the potted plants and Diet Coke stash. Trump described the room as so magical that even Germans get misty-eyed upon entering. Chancellor Merz’s expression suggested otherwise. It said: “I studied international law for this?”
But we digress. Trump, of course, was late. His entrance was less statesman and more Vegas residency escapee: rambling, gesturing, name-dropping Elon Musk like a scorned ex. And oh, Elon, he of the hat that said “Trump is right about everything.” How dare he now criticize the “One Big Beautiful Bill,” a term that sounds more like a drag queen than fiscal policy.
Elon, Trump sniffed, has “Trump Derangement Syndrome.” And why? Because he dared to oppose the removal of EV subsidies, subsidies Trump gleefully gutted to spite the climate and appease oil donors. Musk, Trump whined, had worn the MAGA hat, said nice things, and even stood behind the Oval Desk with a black eye. (Trump offered him makeup, which, unlike the Constitution, Elon had the good sense to decline.)
Then came the real meat: the Autopen Conspiracy. According to Trump, President Biden wasn’t president at all. No, Biden was “executed in 2020” and replaced with a rogue office supply. The country, he warned, was run by a robot arm. You can’t make this up, unless, of course, you’re Trump, in which case you can make up almost anything and say it in front of a foreign head of state.
Speaking of whom, Chancellor Merz, (whom Trump calls “Friedick Mars,” presumably mistaking him for a Marvel villain), attempted,valiantly, tragically, to discuss D-Day. He invoked it as a reminder of American heroism and European liberation. Trump responded earnestly: “That was not a pleasant day for you.” To recap: Trump commemorated the liberation of Europe from the Nazis by telling a German it must have been a real bummer.
As Merz’s soul visibly detached from his body, Trump pivoted to what he does best: projecting. Ukraine? A playground spat. Putin? Just a misunderstood guy with some “bad blood” issues. Trump’s solution? Let them fight it out like angry toddlers until they’re tired. He claimed he told Putin this verbatim.
And just to add a dash of Orwell to this soup, Trump said he had a “debate with the human mind” and concluded that Biden didn’t have one. If this sounds like the plot to a rejected episode of Black Mirror, you’re not far off.
The press conference ended as it began: in chaos. Trump claimed grocery prices were down 400% (perhaps in Confederate dollars?), bragged about stopping Nord Stream 2 (he didn’t), and declared military enlistment numbers were at an all-time high (they’re not). He also described Ukrainian architecture as “turrets... blown to smithereens” and lamented the loss of cultural heritage as though he were auditioning for Antiques Roadshow: Genocide Edition.
In the end, Chancellor Merz managed a few sentences of actual diplomacy, but the sound of Trump’s delusion largely drowned them out, echoing off the Resolute Desk.
This was a hostage tape for democracy. The President of the United States spent over an hour lying, rambling, hallucinating, and praising himself in front of a key NATO ally while casually undermining the U.S. position on China, Ukraine, and global leadership.
Somewhere, the Autopen weeps, and probably writes a better speech.
follow me at marygeddry.substack.com and @magixarc.bsky.social
