The Laughter Cemetery

[FrankMunro-371]

He's like my Uncle Alan then.... When I start hearing him I leave the room.

I admit that the odd one is not too funny, but most are superb...

Roger was on a train, mumbling to himself, smiling, and then raising his hand. After a moment of silence, he would go through the same process ... mumble, smile, raise hand, silence.

Maggie watched this closely, and after about ¼ an hour, she said, in a concerned voice, 'Excuse me. Is anything the matter?'

'Oh, no,' Roger answered. 'It's just that these long trips get very tedious so I tell myself jokes.'

'Why then, inquired Maggie, 'do you keep raising your hand?'

'Well,' smiled Roger, 'that's to interrupt myself because I've heard that joke before.

 

[Quirkafleeg]

A joke is also about the delivery. If I heard a few from you face to face the joke would obviously take a different route.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

It's 1982 in Moscow.

Ivan has saved enough to buy a new car.

He goes to the Lada dealership.

"Comrade, I wish to buy a new car"

The salesman says "Come back, 5 years to the day, and your car will be ready"

"Morning or afternoon?" says Ivan.

"Does it matter?" says the salesman.

Ivan replies "Well I've got the plumber coming in the morning..."

 

[FrankMunro-371]

A topical rib tickler...

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

 

[FrankMunro-371]

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "she were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved, "she were thin". He explodes - "Bloody 'ell man, you've left the "e" out, you've left the "e" out!"
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud -
"E, she were thin".

 

[FrankMunro-371]

What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head?
Mandy Lifeboats!
========================================
What do sheep do on sunny days?
Have a baa - baa - cue!
========================================
Three blonds were walking around when they came upon a set of tracks. The first blonde said, “These are deer tracks.”
The second blonde said, “No, these are obviously elk tracks.”
The third blonde chimed in and argued, “You’re both wrong! These are tracks of a moose!”
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

 

[Penk Wolf]

Are they really joked and if so can you get Mrs Tisi to burn the '1001 jokes' book?

 

[James]

What kind of dog does Dracula have?

A bloodhound!

 

[The Bear]

Bloke goes to the doctors completely naked and wrapped in clingfilm.

The doctor says "Well I can clearly see you're nuts".

 

[James]

Suspended Terry can lift trophy, say Uefa.

Not sure why Bayern Munich would want him joining in their celebration.

 

[Kenny]

Bloke goes to the doctors completely naked and wrapped in clingfilm.

The doctor says "Well I can clearly see you're nuts".

Have I got News for You?

 

[Hamlet]

Thanks guys... here I am, trying to study for my AS levels and this thread's gone and made me stupid!

Thanks guys! >_>

 

[Del Woppio]

What do you do if you see a space man?

Park in it, man.

 

[The Bear]

Have I got News for You?

?

 

[Kenny]

?

The joke was used on HIGNFY last week

 

[The Bear]

Ah I see. No just a coincidence.

 

[So Long Architect]

Did you hear about the man who had his whole left side cut off?

He's all right now.

 

[James]

Katie Price is like a toilet at the Glastonbury Festival.

Full of shit and constantly engaged.

 

[FrankMunro-371]

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

 

[James]

Lukas Podolski "I'm moving to Arsenal to win trophies".

And they say the Germans haven't got a sense of humour.