The Advice Thread

[Wolvensam]

I'm not sure if there have been one of these before, so feel free to merge if it's a duplicate of a thread elsewhere...

I had a bit of a "lightbulb moment" to start one of these after reading about DDW's own troubles - we all need a bit of advice every once in a while!

I'll start off: I did allude to this in DDW's thread but I'm having problems with my best friend - or, at least, someone who I considered a best friend. She has helped me a lot in the last year through many things life has thrown at me, specifically problems at home, and I couldn't really have wished for a better rock or better friend throughout that period of my life.

Anyway, in aid of cutting a long story very short. She got back with her ex-boyfriend in February, and since then her moods and our friendship have been on a bit of a downward spiral. We don't talk as much, whether it's by phone or text, and we don't meet up as much either. Some would say this is down to her boyfriend but, believe me, it's not. Me and him speak occasionally and get on like a house on fire, he is actually a really sound guy but they're both in a very draining relationship - something that is beginning to take it's toll on me. Whenever I try and speak to her it normally turns into a conversation about their latest tiff, and I've lost count of the amount of times I've driven to her/his house in the middle of the night to pick her up or she has come to mine. I helped her when they broke up over a year ago, and have helped her when she wanted to get back together with him.

She is very insecure, and she seems to prefer to spend all the time she can with him as it means he won't be with anybody else - all of which has spiralled from the fact she has checked his phone a couple of times and seen texts from his other long-term ex-girlfriend and texts from a woman he slept with when they weren't together. Naturally, this has somewhat annoyed me as I've been given all of the excuses under the sun when I've offered to go out for a quick lunch or a catch-up over a drink. To the point where I'm wondering why I'm bothering. I have got plans to meet up with her tomorrow but I'm fully anticipating an excuse to be forthcoming - which would annoy me even more when I'm planning a "you need to start prioritising this friendship a bit more" intervention.

If an excuse crops up, I'm wondering whether to:

Just stop being so "hands on" with the friendship considering she hasn't really been lately. Does this make me an awful friend? I have been battered from pillar to post with her relationship, and sometimes feel like I'm bloody involved in it because of how much I hear about it - it's dragging me down into a rut and people are starting to notice.

Or do I perservere as it does genuinely seem like she's having a very hard time and probably needs a friend right now? The only thing in her favour on this front is she has been a fantastic friend before February so has a proven track record, so maybe it is just a case that she's having a difficult time trying to salvage a relationship where arguments are very, very regular.

And breathe..

 

[Langers]

Tricky one without knowing the individual in question! I think as long as she realises thar you're there for her and as long as you tell her you're not happy with the friendship only seeming to work one way at the moment, there's not really that much you can do. She certainly sounds a bit insecure but there'll have to come a time when she makes her own decisions.

Friendships have to be as much give and take as relationships and if you're doing all the work, there will have to be a point when you decide enough is enough. It's sad but is a friendship that isn't reciprocated really that much of a loss?

 

[FrankMunro-371]

We should start an agony aunt thread...

 

[Langers]

'Talk to Frank'.....?

 

[Wolvensam]

You could rename this to an Agony Aunt thread I'd feel a bit bad if I hi-jacked DDW's thread so decided to start my own.

You're right Langers, a friendship is no loss if it's not both ways but it used to be, which is what narks me. I can't even lay the blame at her partner's door as me and him have started to talk pretty regularly and he's actually a really sound bloke. In fact, if anything, he seems just as frustrated with her as I am! Hopefully my little intervention tomorrow will work providing she doesn't bail - I disguised it as a cinema trip...

 

[Deutsch Wolf]

People move on sometimes, it's not anyone's fault. I had mates a decade ago who I went on holiday with and spent a lot of time together - location changes, circumstances change, I hardly ever speak to them now let alone see them. Not for any reason and if I walked past them in the street I'd gladly go for a pint with them - after a while though I got tired of making all the effort to set up and make meetings etc, if they weren't interested enough then I wasn't going to make any special effort any longer.

That said I do know that personal difficulties can make you shut yourself off from others when you really shouldn't - I've done it myself a lot in the past.

 

[Wolvensam]

That said I do know that personal difficulties can make you shut yourself off from others when you really shouldn't - I've done it myself a lot in the past.

I think that's a factor, too. The relationship is incredibly rocky and she's also struggling to find a job as well as being in the brown stuff with the bank. I'm prone to it myself - shutting off I mean - so maybe I should be a bit more understanding; but it is difficult being on the outside and looking in.

 

[Penk Wolf]

Despite what others have said on other threads, friends change as your life changes, and for women, especially when kids come along. I see none of my friends that I grew up with.

 

[PPB]

I've only just realized that Wolvensam is a female after reading the posts this morning !! And after going to her profile and seeing her picture, I even recognize who Wolvensam is !!

Nice to have another female on here who contributes and not just sign up and say nothing .

A lot of friendships go through up and downs , hopefully yours can come through this . My best friend is exactly that, she is the best to me. We have had little niggles in the past , but never really fallen out in 25 years . I feel very lucky , always there for each other, and hopefully always will be .

Hope the cinema trip works out.

 

[Wolvensam]

Well the cinema trip is an intervention disguised as such. At times when I've invited her out for a serious chat she's been more prone to excuses than if I'd have invited her out for a normal lunch or whatnot. I don't really think it's something you can discuss over text or over the phone, either.

I'm fully expecting her to cancel, anyway...

 

[James]

Despite what others have said on other threads, friends change as your life changes, and for women, especially when kids come along. I see none of my friends that I grew up with.

I agree with you mate, friends can be nothing but trouble

 

[MARKakaJIM]

James?

 

[pavlosmacwolf]

wolvensam, friendship is also about telling your friends the hard facts as well as always being a crutch for their problems, good friends can handle the truth normally, even if they need a sulk first. Tell her she's driving you nuts always going on about the boyfriend and see what that shakes out of the tree.

A girlie weekend seems like a good plan to me, might help her to refind her self esteem again.

 

[pavlosmacwolf]

wolvensam, friendship is also about telling your friends the hard facts as well as always being a crutch for their problems, good friends can handle the truth normally, even if they need a sulk first. Tell her she's driving you nuts always going on about the boyfriend and see what that shakes out of the tree.

A girlie weekend seems like a good plan to me, might help her to refind her self esteem again.


ooops no idea chaps

 

[slink]

That's got to be the longest time between a double post ever...

 

[YoungWolf]

Pav :icon_lol:

 

[James]

James?

Yes

 

[Dublin Drummer Wolf]

I agree with you mate, friends can be nothing but trouble

I dont see where Penk has said that?

Wolvensam, if I was you, I would take a backseat for a while, put a bit of distance between this couple and yourself, whilst occasionally checking in with them. If things are going well, they'll have the time to enjoy their space and if things are falling apart, they will realise and do the messy stuff themselves, and you will maybe have to step in and provide a shoulder to cry on at the right time, but sometimes people need space and time to figure things out for themselves. Its not your shit to deal with.

 

[James]

I dont see where Penk has said that?

He hasn't said it, it's just my poor grammar.

 

[Wolvensam]

Wolvensam, if I was you, I would take a backseat for a while, put a bit of distance between this couple and yourself, whilst occasionally checking in with them. If things are going well, they'll have the time to enjoy their space and if things are falling apart, they will realise and do the messy stuff themselves, and you will maybe have to step in and provide a shoulder to cry on at the right time, but sometimes people need space and time to figure things out for themselves. Its not your $#@! to deal with.

I'm all the more tempted to do that today. I was having a text conversation with her boyfriend yesterday - all perfectly innocent of course - and she must have gone through his phone as she text me later on that night saying her boyfriend had spoken to me more that day than her. She also didn't take too kindly to the fact that we'd spoken about her even though it was just me asking her boyfriend if she had been alright recently due to her shutting off (for want of a better phrase). In any case she apologised for being a "complete dick" and "overreacting", but if she's starting to see me as a threat to her relationship when, really, all I was doing was making an effort with her boyfriend and asking if she was okay, well, maybe I should just totally rethink my stance.